When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
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[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Not all heroes wear capes.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*