“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[montage of me giving-up]
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.