“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
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“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
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a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.