Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

kids play hide and seek like

just left a huge legacy in there

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking