Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

I am never leaving this website

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

I know karate and tons of other words.

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

i just found this in my phone

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started