When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
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[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Happy Caturday!
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”