When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Natural selection at its finest
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.