When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
This one, by a wide margin
ibopfufen
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?