Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

😏😏😏

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball: