When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD