Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

All excellent questions

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.