When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Mhm.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos