When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
bias laundering edition
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
feetloaf
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
crying
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
work smarter, not harder
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.