When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
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There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while