When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
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2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.