When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
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I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Wait for it
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?