Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”