Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Happy Thanksgiving

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.