When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
You Might Also Like
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
🙂🙃🥹
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode