When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
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#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.