When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
You Might Also Like
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I identify as an antique shop.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.