When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
If a snake ate a cake
These are too funny not to post 😂
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
What if all the cashiers are married?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.