Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Is this a threat?

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.