Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what do you want!!!!!!!!

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.