Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

How times have changed.

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.