When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Yeah. This was me today.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
goldfish mafia
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
