When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
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In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.