When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
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my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.