When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
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What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”