When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
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[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat