When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
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scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.