@toriTBC

When a guy texts “your beautiful,” reply with “my beautiful what?” then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.

You Might Also Like

@KellyMeldrum

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

@sonictyrant

[Invention of the bullet proof vest]

Me: just shoot me, it’s all good

*single gunshot*

Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest

@MrFornicator

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

@lazerdoov

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

@TheSharona06

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you’re in bed & go to take a sip of your drink but don’t feel like doing a sit up and start waterboarding yourself

@PickleRudd

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

@Dustinkcouch

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno