It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
When a guy texts “your beautiful,” reply with “my beautiful what?” then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.
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Police: where were you between 5 and 6?
[Invention of the bullet proof vest]
Me: just shoot me, it’s all good
Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
That awkward moment when you’re in bed & go to take a sip of your drink but don’t feel like doing a sit up and start waterboarding yourself
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno