I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.