Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Now who done made this a sport lmao

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents