Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

Spring of Deception

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Oh. My. God.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.