Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…