When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
my favorite genre of twitter
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.