When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.