When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Time for evil
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
