When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
You Might Also Like
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud