When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.