Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.