Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]