If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
called in thicc to work this morning
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.