When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
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[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My first son he is wonderful
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.