Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

My dad teaching me to drive