When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
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On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Sounds like a real hoot.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.