When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers