When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
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Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
wait a minute….
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
What about second breakfast?
