Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

This will teach them to underestimate me

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

Children of the Corn Man

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.