When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
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Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.