When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.