When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
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[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Don’t we all.