When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
You Might Also Like
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.