when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend