when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
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Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.