when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.