when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
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i baked you a cake
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.