Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

I think about this cartoon a lot.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise