When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
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[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Twitter fine art
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Proctologist = Analyst
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this