When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait