When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
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“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.