Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.