Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.