Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

No one can handle that