Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

“No way.” -Jose

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.