When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude