Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!