When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.