When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Home #decor warning.
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sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?