Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭