When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Bruh PLEASE
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.