When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Very good news from my accountant
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.