When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
What the hell happened here.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.