When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird