When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
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Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
i hate you platonically
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
as the prophecy foretold
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer