When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
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That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you