When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
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That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Note to self: I am a note
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
welcome back
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.