When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
S M O L
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
How does someone manage that 🤨
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.