When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
You Might Also Like
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.