When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
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Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.